The Happiness Struggle

Commentary on the struggle to find happiness in a world of negativity.

Self-reflection

The Friend Zone Myth

I get the sentiment though. The idea that the person you like doesn’t reciprocate the feelings of attraction and has placed you in the “friend only” category can be heartbreaking for some. This quick post should help clear up some of the more confusing parts of the “friend zone” myth.

Note: I will be writing this from the male perspective but this can apply to both genders.

Nice guys don’t finish last, they didn’t even start the race.

Problem: You’re not in the friend zone if you’re not truly her friend.

If you think you’re in the dreaded “friend zone” (FZ) I want you to take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Am I really friends with this person.” If you’re only motivation to stay in the relationship is for the chance at getting out of the FZ and into a relationship, no… you’re not in the friend zone because you’re not even truly their friend. The idea that nice guys finish last is antiquated. You can’t finish last if you weren’t in the running to begin with. When you continue on with the notion that by being a nice guy will one day lead to an opportunity for romance, you not only damage yourself but build a relationship with someone based on false pretenses.

Solutions:

Be direct with your intentions from the beginning and remember that if you’re rejected, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It means you weren’t that persons “cup of tea”.

Be honest with yourself regarding whether or not you truly want to be this person’s friend and ask yourself what that would entail.

Don’t let another person dictate your own sense of self-worth.  

Problem: Rejection hurts and leads to a flurry of negative emotions.

It is important to understand that having a romantic advance rejected doesn’t mean you are unworthy of affection or that something is wrong with you. I mentioned this previously but it is definitely worth repeating. There truly is someone out there for everyone, so take rejection with a grain of salt and move on. On a side note, countless women have told me they are afraid of rejecting someone outright because of the negative, sometimes violent, reactions men have to rejection. A big part of being a man in today’s world is being confident in yourself. If you react to rejection by lashing out it is a clear indicator of a lack of self-confidence and only helps reinforce the woman’s decision to not pursue a relationship with you.

Solution: Be confident in yourself. If you rely on another person’s acceptance to validate your existence I would say that you have no business pursuing a relationship with another person. A partner should enhance your life not validate it.

Reserve the girlfriend treatment for your actual girlfriend.

Problem: Why would a woman want to pursue a relationship with you if she already has the benefits of one.

This is pretty strait forward but the idea needs to be stated. Why would a woman want to pursue a relationship with you if she already has all of the benefits of a relationship with none of the commitment.  The best piece of advice I’ve been given is “don’t treat a person like a girlfriend/boyfriend if they aren’t you’re GF/BF.” I’m not saying to treat women poorly, but don’t go out of the way to do things if you wouldn’t do it for a male friend. In today’s world, women are demanding to be treated on equal terms with men. This should transfer into our everyday actions with women as well. Don’t buy her things unless it’s for an occasion (birthdays, Christmas, etc.) Don’t treat her different from one of your guy friends and build an actual friendship based on something other than what she can get out of you. The unfortunate truth is, there are some women (and men) out there who will use you until they get bored of it.

Solution: Be a friend first, and reserve the special treatment for the special lady that deserves it.

Don’t delude yourself into believing in the “friend zone”.

         Given the previously discussed points, I hope that you understand the friend zone as a myth. It is an imaginary place created for the purpose of making the inhabitants a victim of rejection or an “unfair” world. Being a “nice guy” doesn’t entitle you to have a woman. Instead, move on, there are plenty of fish in the sea and you’re definitely the right bait for one of them.

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